12/31/2002


Like anything really changes except 1 number, right? lol.
Either way, Lets make it good.



12/25/2002

* Merry Christmas *

Happy Hollidays to all. Have a good one.



12/21/2002

Hey, how about an update with some significance?
Well, truthfully I havnt done that in a while for a number of reasons. Firstly it just seems pointless to do so anymore because the wrong people take what I say the wrong way... and if it is meant for people to take a certain way, they just plain old dont get it at all. Secondly.. I feel as if I have no right to post about all the others things I feel like getting off my chest.. I feel I have no right to complain about the things that are making me depressed, no right to be angry at the things that are making me mad, even if things were done to me out of plain hate and desire to hurt my feelings. Yes, as usual, I feel as if I just plain old dont matter and I keep it all inside. I dont even feel like I should post about the rare things that make me happy becuase Im always more worried about knowing my friends are happy, and I feel like Im being selfish or something.. I dont know.. maybe it makes no sense, Im just typing here cause I just have to. maybe a little compromise and an even mixing of subject types will make a nice balanced post that I can feel comfortable with...

Its been over a year now since I was left by my girlfriend of nearly 5 years. I have come a long way from feeling as if I lost everything. I still feel empty, but I have my friends. I still feel alone, and still see no hope of ever finding someone who will want the kind of relationship that I want. I feel like I want to yell and curse at the ex for reasons that I just couldnt explain in words. Most guys I know who get dumped end up bad mouthing their ex no end.. I havnt really done that and I almost feel entitled too. But I wont, because wheres it going to get me? She did what she had to do and I think she should have done it sooner. Im no longer sure weather I miss her, or what I thought we had. maybe a little of both. anyway, its to a point now where its just over. its hardly worth my thought process anymore.

On that same level I did meet someone quite spectacular. I met her about 10 Months ago and we have become rather good friends in that time. Shes an amazing girl who I would really like to have the chance to give her the love and respect that she deserves. Shes pretty much all I ever wanted in a person, but she has reasons why she wont give me that chance, and though she wont always tell me all of those reasons, I think that I now have a very good understading of them and why they are the way they are. I dont pressure or constantly ask for that chance,.. I just make sure I am there for her when she needs me. Recently we finally spent some time together outside the usual circumstances, and I must say that it was the happiest I had been in quite some time. Even though those hours were the best ever, in a way it makes the time that I dont see her seem more depressing because now I know I enjoy being with her and it makes me want that chance even more... but in the mean time Im just thankful that we met and that shes my friend.

Im still looking for that good job that I wont have to worry about silly politics, or bad management all the time. Something close to home, even if it means 10K less a year.. Im keeping busy with consulting, but its wearing thin again... Id rather just have somepalce to go each day and have a task to do and just do it. the work is there each week, and the benifits are paid for. Hopefully I will find this soon because Im starting to get on my own nerves by sitting around the house all day, and when I work its on my own schedule,.. It would seem great to be in full control like that, but after a while, it just loses something. I dont want to just give in and take a job that I dont really want just to get out.. I want it to be right. I just have to wait.. I recently got on a good placement list for a company that staffs Pfizer. that would be real cool.

The other day I lost a very good freind of mine. He was killed in a strange set of events that began with a car accident. I had become friends with him in 1993 in a computer programming calss in highschool. We took on some of the assignments and blew away the barriers of what was expected of us. We remained freinds since. He went to the Air force for 4 years, and we kept in touch. when he got home, we continued to hang out.. when we did, it was just as good as it was before he left. Earlier this year I even worked with him for a little while helping him out with his Drywall contracting business. Im gonna miss him. You just never think of this stuff happening... probably because you just dont want to. Its hard.. He was a great person and Ill never forget him or all the times we were hanging out.

I just dont understand all the things around me. Im a person of logic.. I like Binary.. things are either 1 or 0.. on or off.. easy to understand.. always the same. life and all its non-digital stuff just has way too many variables and exceptions to rules that just seem pointless in the end. I often find myself wondering what the heck the point is. Why bother? What do you really have to look forward to? all I see is losing my hair... eyesight decreasing,.. hearing going away.. things like cancer, MS, and all sorts of other great stuff that is no doubt caused by all the wonderful things we as humans have done to the environment over the years. things weve done with all our wonderful inventions and convieniences. I could go on and on about why I see this the way I do.. and about how I feel that at a certain point a persons usefullness is just over. at some point I know Im going to just become "in the way" and I dont want to be like that. for all the bad things that I find though, I find 1 or 2 good things that make me feel its worth sticking around and just dealing with it all.. I dont know.. this should really be a discussion on a post of its own some time.. but its partly related to this whole balance thing that I started this one with. I guess Ive said enough now... If your still reading then you have a pretty good idea of what Ive been up to and going through lately. However I once again say that knowing what Im up to doesnt matter because I dont matter. Anyone else that you can worry about is probably more important. Thats how I feel anyway.



12/10/2002

Well this only took forever... The MERVERNATION Winamp Skin! After many many hours, its FINALLY done.. these things arent that easy to do correctly... and to do all the different parts such as the visualization and minibrowser windows just eats away hours of time.. might as well draw the things 1 pixel at a time,.. more often than not, thats what you end up doing. But I finally finished this thing and here it is for anyone who feels like having a MERVERNATION Theme on their Winamp. Get it by clicking here. If you Open the file from its existing location, it should automatically apply it to Winamp for you.. or just save it to your winamp/skins directory. You can see a full sized preview of the skin by clicking the image on the right.