02/26/2004

you never stop learning things... Ive learned so much over the past couple years. I dont know if I feel like going in to details, but as an example, you can assume something about a situation for a while, and then over time let things around you convince you that you have been wrong, or perhaps just thinking hastilly, or expecting the worst out of habbit.... and then a year later, just as you have forgotten about the whole thing, you get a full blown confession so to speak, confirming that you were correct the whole time even though you had been made to feel like a jerk for ever thinking said things.... idunno.. this has happened a few times in the last couple months and I guess I just have let it roll off my back as usual.. theres very little I hold grudges for. almost nothing really.. Im probably one of the more forgiving people I know.. maybe I shouldnt be..

I also just thought this morning that if everybody only spoke when spoken to... no one would ever speak... sure would be quiet,.. but would probably help the polution problem.

theres a lot to be said for truth.. you can never beat it really.. you might be able to avoid some things for a while with a lie, but the chances of being caught, even when very small, even when it was such a small thing in the first place that a lie wasnt even justified.. is it really worth it? cause even if its little,... if youre caught, you can feel like you did something terrible. especially when it was to a friend... and it can even make the innocent in the situation feel guilty in some ways. fortionately Im forgiving. just an observation..

look out for number 1.... .... .... ? .... I suppose so.. am I number 1? to me Im suppose to be I guess.. I never really thought like this before, but maybe I have to. how much of your own time can you really spend serving others first. constantly putting your own things aside to make someone else happy... taking a fall for the pure mental goodness of protecting someone else.. bullshit? I dont know,. maybe... I suppose I have to admit that no matter how terrible your problems may be in comparison to someone elses... to that someone else, their little problem is still top of their list for resolution. Im not saying this is wrong,.. but is it right? is it a question of right and wrong at all, or is it simpley just how it is? Ive spent much of my life doing oposit when possible.. putting my own problems aside for those I care about to help them.. is that right or wrong then? since its not normal.. is it the right thing to do mentally? to get that satisfaction knowing you did a good deed? I think it may be more wrong than anyhting but only wrong for yourself, cause in the longrun, you are the one suffering from it.. not only do you still have to worry about doing the things you put aside, but it becomes expected of you after a while.. you begin to feel taken advantage of cause maybe you are. then youre locked in to this lifestyle of giving that causes you such misery and the minute you start thinking about youself first, you are accused of being selfish. is it really being selfish to change your life around so that you can finally smile? or at least try to? who knows...

all I know, is that I still stand on my grounds that life is bullshit.. its pointless and its just a game. and this stuff Ive learned and confirmed over the past couple years.. only strengthens my views. I guess its true what they say though.. about how its all about the game, and how you play it. on my recent learning spree I guess I also need to learn where to find all the bonus points hidden in this level Im currently playing.



02/11/2004

oh yeah... big day here... an update.
for the 3 of you wondering, the month and date contained two 1's, a 2, and a 0. Im so damn clever I make myself sick.
I was hoping by now Id have something good to post about.. or at the very least, entertaining. but I dont... I didnt even feel like doing this right here, so on that... Ill talk to you later.