MERVERNATION

04/27/2002

What the hell is the point?
Why do I waste my time on this stupid fucking poluted planet?
what the fuck is the goddamn point? Any time I try to cheer up and make an effort to "look on the bright side" and every time I feel like things migth be getting just a little better,.. something happens and someone comes along and shits in my face.... well FUCK everyone and FUCK everything. Im fucking tired of this shit and now Ive had enough. I have been nice all my life... for what? NOTHING. being nice only makes you a target for those shitheads out there who want to piss in someones face. people know they can take advantage of you. FUCK this shit. Im tired of being pissed on. Im tired of being blamed. Im tired of taking the shitty end of every stick that fell off of every damn tree. Im tired of being alone. you damn old people.. the ones who say "whats wrong with those darn kids today?" well dont you know that if you hadnt gone around screwing like stoned test bunnies, us kids wouldnt be here today. YOU MADE US and your going to have to fucking deal with it. you wonder whats wrong..... maybe it was the drugs you did when you were fucking.. oh Im sorry..... "making love"... the entire human race is a shitbag and Im tired of being part of it. Im ashamed to be a human being. why the hell do we reproduce? all we are doing is poluting the earth with more garbage. we have already killed the planet enough, no?... and dont give me that "gift of life" bullshit.. ITS A FUCKING CURSE. Life is nothing but a curse and Im tired of it. the curse of life is impossible to escape unless you do the right thing and kill youself which is what I plan on doing now. THE HELL with all this bullshit. Im tired of society running my life.. telling me if I dont have this or that then I wont have a happy life. the fucking government and money.. FUCK MONEY. why do we have to rely on green paper to be happy? if we dont have it we have to suffer and not be able to pay our bills for all the other shit that society says we have to have in order to function from day to day... I SAY WE GO BACK TO TRADING SHEEP AND SERVICES when we want something. LIFE IS BULLSHIT! I cant even find a fucking job right now.. I lost my last one cause of some asswipe who didnt like anyone who ever worked for 1 employee who he just couldnt stand.. so he got rid of that guy and then 1 by 1 got rid of everyone else. they always come up with stupid reasons too,.. like they told me it was financial.. what am I an idiot? you expect me to believe that?.. yeah.. I know ALL the systems.. I have been there for a year.. the new dipshit has been there for 1 month.. knows nothing except how to point and click, which he cant even do that too well.. and so "to save money" they get rid of me.. a guy making 50K who knows whats going on... and keep a guy making 75K who cant seem to find the power switches... just another example of the nice guy getting shit on.. I have been looking for work for more than half a year now.. no one returns your calls, responds to letters, Im sure each resume I send out gets filed in the round file. this market sucks. oops! Im young with lots of experience! We want people who are old and dont have a double-fuck clue what they are doing!! SHIT ON!... Or my latest problem.. my had-been girlfriend... I was nice.. or so I thought.. I was loyal for 5 years.. I was honest, never lied, never kept things from her... what happens? I GET FUCKING DUMPED.. and to make it worse, I GET NO REASON. and to make it worse.. I FIND OUT ALL SORTS OFF BULLSHIT FROM OTHER PEOPLE. She has been totally unfair to me. I didnt want to ever complain in detail about her on my page.. I wanted to be nice, and fair and keep it personal. I didnt want to be like other people who badmouth ex-whatevers on their webpages or to their friends.. I wanted to be understanding and give her the time she asked for... well we are coming up on 6 months since this happened and guess what... SHE STILL HAS NOT MADE ANY EFFORT TO BE FAIR TO ME AT ALL. I mean... I can understand if she doesnt love me anymore... BUT FUCKING TELL ME THAT! I can understand that.. I know Im a piece of worthless shit who should be dead right now. Dont sit there telling me its you, not me, and that you dont know whats wrong with you and all sorts of other crap. SHOW A LITTLE FUCKING RESPECT.... I have no girlfriend, no job, no more money,.. now I got bills, debt, and now my car needs some more work. nothing ever stops. granted I have always had my share of problems before but having someone to love and to love me, (or someone I thought loved me) made life much more tolerable.. made those other problems seem not so bad... but lately I just want to take that knife and stick it in my throat.. or maybe stick my head out of the sunroof and drive 100 MPH in to a telephone pole and hope that it severs off. I dont believe in god anymore... I used to when I was little and told that I was supposed to.. but these days Im in need of some proof... if you ask me, we humans are an accident... if there is a god, hes up in heavin laughing his ass off at us.. he sure got off a good one huh? those humans are such fuckups and its funny to watch them suffer!! people who make enough money NOT to be able to get support but dont make enough to survive! THATS SO FUNNY!! An asshole can get a job, but an honest nice guy cant!! GOOD ONE!! maybe anyone who is a dickhead all their life and is known for cheating will be able to get any girl he wants all his life but the nice guy who actually WANTS to make a commitment and settle down with ONE PERSON will be alone till he is dead!!! OH GOD!!! THATS A REAL KNEE SLAPPER!!

Im very heated right now... and maybe when I cool off Ill feel a little different about some of these extreeme statements here, but this is how I have been feeling for the most part for the last 6 months and if you dont like it you can go pissoff someplace else,.. Im not going to apologize and be nice about it cause all that will do is give you a reason to piss on me instead.

04/23/2002

The time draws closer.
I hate what I do.
Im on such an edge right now.
The hell with it.
Such devotion brings such unfairness.
Piss off.
I dont know how much longer I can wait.....

But in the meantime, drilling holes in my arm is fun!!!

04/09/2002

I have something that I want all my friends and family and whoever to know, and by putting it on here I can be fairly certain that it will be known and respected. Its my last wish.
When I finally die, weather Im burned, burried, or frozen,.. I want my Ariel doll by my side.
Thats what I want, and I want the people who know me to make sure that happens. I appreciate it.

04/01/2002

Today was the "Grand Opening" of the new Music Music Music. Yes Dave (see outdated button on right) moved the store to a new location after losing his lease, so to say, in Warwick. After weeks and weeks of moving fixtures, CDs, Tapes, and Records,.. and hanging slatwall, building shelves, and sorting stock,.. the new store opened up. It was a pretty good day for a first day and not having anyone really know he was there... The new store is located on Route 23 in Pomptin Planes NJ. Just 2 minutes south of 287. It should mean better business for Dave, but it sucks for me cause now I have to drive 35 minutes to go to my second home. The new store is in a small stripmall, its like an actual store now. Its 2 times the size of the Warwick store. Ill probably be there just as often as I always have been,.. Ill still be doing all the computers and networking stuff, along with running wires for the new phones, and sound systems. if your in the area, stop in and buy something. Theres 5 coppies of 3:03 AM Volume 1 waiting to be purchased :)