MERVERNATION

05/26/2002

Martin Wins!

After 73 races of no wins, and a career worst season in 2001, Mark Martin showed he still has it by pulling off the win in NASCARs longest race of the year. 600 Miles, and if that wasnt enough, he was eligable for the 1 Million Dollar Bonus and collected that too!. This was Martins first time winning the 600 at Charlotte, as well as his first time collecting the bonus. He has been eligable for the million a number of times before but has never been able to collect.
Martin was in the hunt for most of the race, and though he wasnt the fastest car on the track, he was there when it counted and his crew came through for him. Martins team mate, and partially owned car of Matt Kenseth was right on his tail at the end and Martin pulled every risky trick he could to stay out from for those last 35 laps. He was passing lapped traffic like it was standing still at some points and splitting traffic in ways that drivers have not done in years. He wanted that win badly, and next week they are off to a place that Martin is very good at, and its my favorite track to be at.. Dover Downs in Delaware.

05/14/2002

You think you know me?
Click Here to see how well you really do.

hehe, yes.... Ive been fiddleing with Perl again.

05/13/2002

THIS STUFF IS GOING TO RULE! I CANT WAIT!!
I love Pepsi.. They are always thinking of something new and different. In August of this year we will be blessed with this cool new soda. its Berry flavored cola and its a very cool idea. I have been a fan of Pepsi for a long time and have tried most of their flavors and varieties, including Crystal Pepsi, Wild Cherry Pepsi (back in the test market days), Pepsi Kona (Coffee flavor cola), and of course Josta. of even just those, the Cherry stuff is the only one to have made it to a perminant market. aparently this flavor thing is going to be big in the coming months and years.. Pepsi has confimed other fruit flavored colas if this one tests well,.. with the success of MountaindeW Code Red, I hope they can do these new items right too. And in the Non-Pepsi side, we may be seeing a fruit flaror Dr. Pepper, and this coming week Coke is releasing Vanilla Cola, which I am looking forward to. Normally I find Cokes attempts at new products to be not so hot (eg. Surge), but I love vanilla and hope thats a good drink. All this new stuff could fail and disappear like Josta did if no one buys it, so when your thirsty this summer and you stop at the convienience store, dont be afraid to try something new!.. At least we will always have MountaindeW.

Yes my life is this boring... this is indeed a highpoint of the last month.

05/03/2002

allright....
allright allright allright....
Ive been confronted by enough people now about my last post that Im going to clarify and sort out what I wrote.. Im not saying Im sorry, and Im not making excuses. I said what I said cause thats how I feel and thats how things are. I was steamed, adgitated, and fed up with everything when I got home and wrote all that.. I had just gotten finished with a 12 hour computer episode that resulted in 36 hours more waiting, it was 4 in the morning, I had to drive an hour home with my newly developed car troubles, I was up for 36 hours, I was depressed already cause of how lonely I feel and how useless I feel and I just had to let off some steam. I owe it to everyone and myself to make it a little clearer.

right off the bat... "whats the point?"
Ok... I feel like life has let me down, I feel like I have nothing to show for 25 years of good lifestyle. I feel like doing unto others has NOT brought me what I would do to myself. This really sums everything up for me... I have been good to everyone I can, I have been faithful, honest, and kind.. and I always feel as if Im cheated and disrespected in return. Im ashamed to be human because humans in general these days are so self centered and stupid that its just unreal. I think we need help and we need to realize what things once were and take a big step back. Money has become to important to too many, while life itself and fellow people have become less important. I made a very clear post about my feelings on this subject back on 04/17/2001 and my feelings have not changed. if anything I feel stronger about it. you really do see a deadly sin every where you turn, and Im not saying Im not guilty of it.. but I try to minimize my guilt while others commit all 7 and some are proud of it. I feel that reproducing is pointless because each generation gets worse than the one before and no one wants to take any responsibility. either its the other guys fault or we ignore the problem and pretend it doesnt exist. why willingly throw a child in to a cold world with so many problems.. I often have to wonder with todays rediculous court cases, such as the guy who can sue a homeowner and win cause he hurt himself breaking in to their house to commit a crime... I have to wonder if I can sue someone for bringing me in to this world against my will.. I didnt ask to be here.. I didnt ask to HAVE to work so that I can "afford" to live a "normal" life. I didnt ask to HAVE to worry about having my "taxes" (government bonuses) in by April 15th or else.. I didnt ask for half of my money to go in to someone elses pocket... and if I win this case... I get to pay tax on my winnings.. you see? it just never ends.. I just want to be happy without having to live up to someone elses standard..

ok, next "no job"
Well, yes, I have no job and it doesnt seem like Im going to find one any time soon.. I know my trade and I know it well.. too well infact, and thats becoming a problem. The market is poor in many catagories right now and it doesnt seem to be getting any better. the workforce seems to be full of people who are under qualified and over paid. we have too many places spitting out "graduates" who cant perform. Hands on experience will out task ANY degree any day, and hands on experience is whats lacking in most of the people entering the market.. "earn your degree in 2 weeks!"... these places are ruining the job market, and the lack of knowledge these people have is ruining the economy. Then when you have a job, many times your in an unrespected position surrounded by know-nothings who get their jollies by watching you suffer. people who can never tell you your doing good, only that your doing bad. Its ok to work 3 hours late at night for no extra pay, but god forbid you show up 15 minutes late cause of bad traffic. this is the case too often and its just not right. I have been in the IT/MIS field for 8 years profesionally, 19 years total. I started when I was almost 6 on a TRS-80. I have been enthused and a hobbiest for years and years... and now.. I just dont care anymore.. not only is it impossible to find a job in the field that wont drive you insane.. its impossible to stay sane when just working on it as a hobby now.. Companies like Microsoft have made this field un-fun. The crap they put out is just crap.. MS is responsible for over 90% of the viruses being able to spread in the last 3 years.. they are responsible for more security leaks and more headaches than any 1 company should be allowed to provide. and this is the way the technology is going? are you kidding me? Maybe its just me.. I grew up with computers and the command line.. I like the command line.. Now..... its too easy for everyone to have a computer.. some people have no business having them.. you should have to pass a test before your allowed to have a computer and use the internet... just like a drivers license. Well I have had enough.. Im going to try just a few more times to get a GOOD job.. maybe a unix based one cause I am to the point where I will refuse to support those who install WindowsXP. If I can find a nice Unix or Linux based job and never look at another MS piece of shit again Ill be so happy... I like linux and perl and all those cool things.. and Im willing to stay in the field for those sections.. other than that though.. Im going to make a switch.. maybe construction,.. maybe farming.. I havent decided yet, but I am done with "computers" as the world thinks they know them.

After that, we have "no one to love"
I need someone to love... Plain and simple.. I am just one of those people that needs to be able to love and take care of someone. It kills me to have so much to offer in a relationship.. all I want to do is make someone happy and have them to be with for the rest of my life.... and it just doesnt happen.. it hurts to know that no one wants me.. and I know I make it sound like if I had someone that everything would be suddenly better and that having someone is everything in the world.. well to me it is.. I know that I can live alone... I know that everything else WONT be better just cause I have someone to love... but *I* would feel better and I would be willing to deal with twice as many of all of lifes little problems if only I had someone to love. To me, its everything cause its whats truely going to make me happy.. and what bugs me the most is how much people judge others... I think if you really love somone then youll think they are beautiful and wonderful no matter what they look like.. I just dont want to be alone anymore.. I was alone for a long time and then I wanst.. and it was the best 5 years of my life... untill for no reason I got thrown away and now Im alone again. I feel very cheated because of this. I was treated unfairly, and even the biggest shithead in the world deserves an explaination. Its hard enough to move on in life after breakup of a 5 year relationship, but its 500% worse when you find you have been betrayed, and find you have been lied to, and when you get no explaination as to why this has happned. this is the biggest thing to me and my problems right now. I need to love and be loved and the void that this has created is the one driving me to such extremes as to even thinking about death. Love is a chemical reaction in your body and when it stops functioning it can cause really scarey outcomes.. Im left feeling that if I was able to give the relationship my heart 100% and love this person so much and take care of her and treat her as good as I knew how... to then be thrown away like I was... I can only think that I must be no good.. I must be a bad person. and why at this point would anyone want to give me a chance? and then... the things that make it worse are things like seeing girls go to guys who are on drugs, or who are known for cheating, or who are known for beating people.. and they GO TO THEM ON PURPOSE... I dont understand.. and then when they see whats going on and leave them... then they go back!.. to the same guy or another guy who is no better.. I see this and I just dont understand.. Im sitting here wanting to make a commitment and give her the life of a princess and Im not even looked at.. or Im handed some silly excuse as to why it wouldnt work without even being given a chance... it drives me nuts and I dont know how much more I can take... Im not saying that every guy is bad and that Im the only good one.. but come on.. so yeah.. this is probably number 1 on my list at all times.. I want to love and be loved and when Im not, Im going to be depressed and theres nothing I can do about it.. thats who I am. I need someone in my life.

now on to my "religious comments"
Ok,.. over the years I have had my faith in god diminished to nothing. as a child I was told what to believe in and I did.. I went to church and was ok with it, but as you grow and gain a mind of your own gain inteligence you have to wonder why you are believing in this hokey pokey stuff... maybe thats why ignorance is bliss, but as we learn, we have to deal with this stuff.. theres no proof on god. in todays scientific world, we have more proof of evolution than we do of any god. Im not saying I believe in evolution, but I dont believe in creation either right now.. If you ask me, the Bible is nothing more than some peoples version of Greek Mythology.. the Greeks had their gods, and they believed in them all.. they cant all be the "right" god can they? God was a way to explain things that were unexplainable. things that today, science could explain. and religion is a social thing.. something thats there for people to get together for, and something to give them peace of mind. im willing to bet that it was started as a way to ease the mind and as more people joined a particular group and their way to ease the mind, the "religion" grew.. I mean just the fact that we can name a gathering for god something like "mass" and if you dont go on this day at this time then your going to hell.. that makes me doubt even more.. I see no proof, I see no blessings to the do-gooders, and I see no punishment for the shitheads. I believe there may have been a man named jesus that walked around doing good things.. A normal man.. but come on.. wheres the ark, wheres the grail, wheres the boat (the boat built by noah, the one that god told him to build cause the all perfect god was admitting to making a mistake. his creation was not right and so he needed to wipe them out and start over), wheres anything that can prove any of this? why was there "miracles" all the time in biblical days and NEVER now? Im sorry if my logic on this offends my loved ones who are firm believers, but this is the way it is for me and after putting my faith and life in gods hands 3 times in my life and feeling like I was wasting my time,.. I have no real wants to do it anymore.. I mean.. I think Im a good person, and I dont think I should think I have to practice someones religion or Im going to go to hell.. thats not right, and if I was pulled in by god when I did accept him, then I wouldnt have felt like it was any kind of a waste of time... Maybe this will change one day, but as of right now, Im going to have to go with logic and science on this one.

finally "killing myself"
Ok.. Im not going to lie and say that it doesnt cross my mind from time to time... in fact it crosses my mind daily.. but Im not acting on it which is the important part. However, Im not going to promise anyone that I will NEVER do it cause thats silly... I could short circuit in my head.. I could have a vision.. "god" might tell me to do it.. Im here right now and Im going to try to cope with everything thats going on.. all of the above happening all at once in my life is very very stressfull. I just sometimes wish I was dead so I wouldnt have to deal with it all. its extreeme, I know.. but that way of thinking is my way of venting.. my way of forcing myself to clear my mind and try to think of something else cause I CANT think of ANYTHING else but total departure. I just have to say a few things.. if someone wants to kill them selves, shouldnt they be allowed to? I mean,.. if thats gonna make me happy, shouldnt I be allowed to do it? (yeah I know your not happy when your dead.. but Im not alive an miserable!) I mean.. whos it hurting.. sure people might miss you.. but your not bothering anyone.. the depressed people who LIVE are the ones going around shooting people and drinking and driving and shit.. its illegal to kill yourself... but a woman can kill her 5 kids and get a "fair trial".. you figure it out. Im just staying to myself......... but really.. Im here, Im not totally nutso on the idea and Im going to be here,.. trying to figure it all out... seeing if I can see where I went wrong.

and thats that.