09/28/2003

235/2500

so on thursday the 2nd at 6AM I leave for Canada. I have an exam that afternoon and on the 3rd, as long as all is ok, I get my Lasik. my weight, between losing it and working out is at about 235.. its gonna take more time to go lower right now.. I just have been working too much to do what I wanted. but soon Ill have more time and Ill walk more again. and the money... today I cashed in my change... I had $496 in full dollars (I didnt change the last 8 dimes, etc..) so heres how I get my total. Ive worked consulting at a place that I havnt billed for a while... so rather than them paying me, they covered my hotel costs for the trip. $660 total for the 8 days. I dont have to pay a dime. plus that also avoids a percentage of that pay going in to someone elses pocket at the end of the year.. hehe.. so not billing them for so long was totally worth it and a great way to save money. in green paper, from gifts, cash on the spot computer house calls, and takeing a little out of each pay check, Ive saved $1400. in coins, $500,.. add all that up, and thats nearly $2600 that I have saved towards my Lasik excursion. Im looking foward to my trip.. its gonna be about a 6 hour drive according to mapquest. not too bad.. probably more like 5.. it said my trip to albany was going to be 2:10 and I did it in 1:45. I went to an eye doctor that they Lasik place approves of in Albany to get an exam that says Im qualified for the procedure.. its gonna cost a few bux more in the end, but its worth it to not have gone to Canada and found out I cant get it... plus it will gover the post-op visits so I dont have to go 6 hours for each one of those.. I just have to go 2. looks like my buddy Allen is going with me for the trip and vacation. hes the one that helped me fix the SHO whe it was tune up time,.. on a 6 hour drive, itll be like having a built in mechanic. lol. Im getting some phone cards that have a nice sub $.04 a minute rate, so Ill be hooking up the laptop and getting myself on line a couple hours a day that way. Ill be gone from the 2nd till the 10th. I hear that in Canada there is no caffeine in the Mountain Dew... thats gonna suck. other than that, this trip should rule.. Im looking forward to not being this ugly 4 eyed dope. now Ill just be an ugly dope. hehe.. hey, every little bit helps, right? stay tuned.



what are you supposed to do when you were trying to give up all hope on something so important to you in order to be happy? what do you do when that was begining to work, only to be presented with the truth that youve just found reason to fall backwards and undo all the negative progress you had made? what do you do when you develop real feelings for someone because of a dream? what do you do when youve never before felt like you could be good enough for anyone, but for some unexplainable reason, you are certain that you would be everything perfect for one particular person you know but never met? what do you do when you have this burning, instinctual feeling inside telling you that you are without a doubt, the one who is supposed to be taking care of this person? what do you do when there is so much distance between something that feels so close? what do you do when you have so much love and so much respect for them that your plan on negative progress just doesnt seem to be an option? what do you do when you wouldnt have any problems dropping life as you know it to be there for or with them, though you know they would never ever ask that of you? what are you supposed to do when you feel so connected to them all the time, that you actually fear they could feel the same way and are feeling as hopelessly empty over said questions as you are? what are you supposed to do when you WANT to fear having to answer said questions? what do you do when your perfect happiness is always just a delusion? what ARE you supposed to do..............
What am I supposed to do?



09/07/2003

I had this dream the other night and its been kinda bothering me. Ive had this sort of dream before, but not like this. The dream usually is the same... Some people may have had these, some may not.. Its one of those ones that has to happen from pure real life desire. In the dream, you find yourself suddenly paired up with the most perfect person you could ever imagine being with. In my case, the dream is about a girl. a perfect girl for me. I never know who she is, and she isnt always the same girl. its just the situation thats desired. I find myself suddenly in the arms of this womderful girl, Im happy, Im feeling good, Im just so pleased to be with someone so great. She has no name... she was pretty much invented just for the dream. I wake up and feel sadened. not because I dont know who she was, but because I realize that I didnt really find what I have been looking for for so long. that feeling of completion while sleeping which seemed so real, is so NOT real and I wonder if it ever will be..... I know Im not the only one whos ever has this.. and this isnt the first time for me to have this... after a couple minutes of dwellig on it, things are practically forgotten and you go on as you always have. The problem with this most recent version of this dream that I had the other night is, that this time.. I know who she was.. I know exactly who it was,.. and we decided we were getting married, and we hugged and I must have been smiling in my sleep because it was just so perfect. she was there, I felt her next to me.. and we were so happy together. it was the most absolute perfect situation.. and then I woke up.. and felt that disappointment as usual, but it wasnt untill a little later that I woke up a little more and it hit me that I knew who it was... and for the rest of that day, I felt so empty.. as if I had actually had her and lost her. almost as if you have separated from someone you were about to marry. and I dont know why this happened. I do indeed find this person to be nearly perfect in real life. I have such a high level of respect for her, and I do find her to be an amazing girl who I would indeed want to be with if I ever had the opertunity... but I know that isnt going to happen. and I wish my mind wouldnt play games with me like that. its really depressing.