09/20/2004
ya'll want an update....?
it would seem looking back, that I havnt really posted a damn thing relivant to me or my going ons in life since the middle of June, with the exception to those silly surveys. I remember when I used to have something I could write every day, and even have the ambition to do it a few times a week. Now I have to think for a week before I find something that I think is worth sharing and most of the time the ambition to post it isnt there.
been kinda just staying to my self as much as possible lately.. I try to bother as few people as possible and just stay out of the way. I dont like to be a drag on anyones good time and I know I am a lot cause Im always depressed. plus sometimes Im just plain sick of seeing all the "happy couples" while I sit there alone... its pointlessly aggrivating. Im also on the other hand, tired of all the people around me playing musical partners, and then complaining to me about being dumped or something and being single for a whole 3 weeks. its like... wtf... I feel like saying to them, when you reach over a year and counting without having someone to love, then come talk to me about it. and its even worse when someone who dumped or rejected you in the past has the nerve to come and complain to you about their present dating partner or situation... its like... get away from me... damn.. and people wonder why I lock myself in the basement for the majority of the week now.
if anyone is wondering, my dating social life is like this... have been introduced to a girl or two by friends... for the most part they have been uninterested or just havnt matched up to me... there was one girl at work who I was told I should ask out, who I was told already said she would be interested in giving me a chance... so I asked her out to a race that was about 6 weeks away, sicne I knew she liked fast cars and stuff... she said yes. about a week later, she put in her 2 weeks notice.. so we traded phone numbers before she left so we could still hook up for this thing. about a week after shes gone, I get word that she got pregnant... well... I guess that must mean she wasnt as single as I was told she was when I asked her... but Im a nice guy and figure Ill still take her anyway since I already had the $50 ticket, and figured shed still have a good time. I call.. and call and call... she never returned my messages. so I gave the ticket to my cousin and that was that... thats the closest thing Ive come to a date in over a year. and thats how it turned out.
over the past 3 years of being single, with the exception to the 2 months I was seeing that girl last summer, which I dont even know if I should count as anything but someones desparation for company... Ive tried meeting new people, tried making things work with some that Ive met.. most of the time, Im told Im too good a friend or too much like family to date now... hurts a lot.. Ive submitted a fair share of online profiles that typically get ignored, and Ive gone to places wheres its obvious to me that there are plenty of other better poeple way ahead of me on some list someplace of "those worth talking to or flirting with".. hey whatever... after all Ive said here today rolling around in my head for months and months, I can honestly say that Im not even sure I want to be with a real girl anymore.... yeah I wish I had someone to hug me back and tell me they love me once in a while, but then I think about the type of people and how they are towards me and Im not sure I want to deal with the sometimes thankless effort that I want to put in to a long lasting relationship and making someone happy. it just feels like I cant win sometimes and I wonder why I want it so badly. Im a great fucking guy who will be loyal, devoted, and honest to whoever Im with, and no one wants that.... well piss on it then I guess...
what else can I do?... I guess its just a waiting game at this point.. just do what I do, and maybe some day someone will notice me and understand what they are seeing.. and understand it to be something they want to care about.
Theres your update.
